Way Overdue!

Good gravy, it's been a while since I posted here, been seduced by FB!

So, since my last post, Deanna has broken up with BF #1, had a summer BF, they broke up, and now she is loving the single life (thank the stars!) and had "The Best Week Ever" for her first week of 10th grade.

I'm still looking for work, the job market doesn't seem to have improved much over the last 9 months, in fact I suspect it's actually worsened. I've also turned 35 (ugh!), but had a great birthday.

In psychiatric circles, things have been better. Following the death of my step-mother and subsequent loss of my job, there was some depression (lucky me) and a couple of really rough months. Things have gotten much better! Of course, I've always been a paragon of better living through chemicals, but think I'm finally on the right cocktail of chemicals. Who knows what it's doing to the rest of me, but at least my brain seems to be working better.

I'm considering moving again, my tiny apartment is a little claustrophobic at times, and a physical move might just go well with my mental one. Alas, the unemployment issue may present a problem there. Of course, I'm great at procrastinating, so maybe another move will wait until I'm working again. Still pursuing hospice work, but applying for anything I remotely qualify for. I figure I'm up to close to 200 or 300 applications and have had one, count it, one actual interview. Clearly I didn't get that job!

I can't say I'm no longer bitter about losing a job I loved, but I've come to terms with it, especially when I learned something new about my health. Prior to my step-mom's death, I was flirting with menopause, and now am officially in it. Hormone replacement hasn't been a miracle, yet, but the hot flashes have finally slowed down, and aren't nearly as severe as they were, so that's great. But it also gives me more insight into why I lost my job. Dealing with Norma's death, depression, arthritis, and then the mood swings and hot flashes that started in October certainly led to my poor attendance, frequent illnesses, and my being "overly emotional" (their words-work that is) at work, all of which led to my firing. Maybe it sounds like I'm a glutton for punishment, but I've actually thought about reapplying to my old work for a per diem on-call position, something where, if I can't go to work, I simply don't call in available that day. Again, as a queen of procrastination, I may or may not get around to looking at going back to that hospital, but have applied to several others for the same type of positions.

So that's it in a very large nutshell! I'm up to date, you're up to date (faithful reader-lol), and now that I can post from my BB I expect I'll be better about keeping the blog up to date as well as FB :)

OMG, she has a boyfriend!!!

It's finally happened. I'm old. My daughter has reached "dating" age. While so far this has consisted of a movie, dinner at his house with his family, dinner out with me and D, and a lot of phone time, it's been cool. They've known each other probably 8 or 9 years and have always been close friends since, age wise, they were the closest on both sides, his family and ours. I don't think I'm quite ready for this, so am glad my little girl is still acting like a little girl. When I asked her if they'd kissed yet, her response was: "Ew, no! I'm afraid a 'real' kiss will feel like someone shoving a slug down my throat!!!" Gotta tell you, that was a relief to hear!

Otherwise, things are going okay. Currently unemployed which has given me time to deal with my grief over my step-mom's death, spend lots of time with my dad, kinda getting to know him again, and crocheting in anticipation of Deanna's newest sibling, due in the next couple of months. Her dad and step-mom are anxiously and excitedly awaiting their first child, gender still unknown. So, in the next few weeks I hope to find a job, finish my latest crocheted blankie, and hook up with some old friends I've been chatting with on facebook. In short, not too much going on.

Happy 70th Birthday Norma

This is one of the last known photos of Norma, seen there in the green hat, on Race for the Cure day, taken just a few days before her admission to the hospital and her subsequent death in October. Norma, we love you and miss you terribly. If you get the internet in the afterlife, please know Dad especially is lost without you, talks to you in his sleep, and please watch over him as much as you can from wherever you are.
You are loved. You are missed. You are the heart that keeps this family beating. We all pray you are in a better place now, pain and disease free.

Happy posthumous 70th birthday, we all wish you were still here to celebrate it.

Questionable content?

Apparently I've been flagged for objectionable content. I clicked on and read the explanatory link, however, it doesn't explain what was the source of objection. If someone would feel comfortable leaving an anonymous note about the perceived problem, I would be happy to review it and make any changes that might be necessary. Thanks!

Naughty or Nice?

You're nice!

You're sweet and kind and thoughtful, but you'd be the last person to admit it, because that might look like bragging. You've had a very good year, and we're proud to know you, even if it's just in the online quiz-taking sense. Either that or you're a total liar! Kidding.

Whatever you're hoping to accomplish this year, we at The N wish you the merriest, happiest, warmest, brightest, lovingest holiday season ever. And a few treats for good measure -- you certainly deserve them.

Major Bummer

For the past several years I have purchased The Far Side weekly (desk) planners, the comics making keeping track of my schedule worthwhile. Trying to get a jump on next year, I was searching for the 2009 version to no avail. I contacted the company that makes the calendars and this is the response I got:

"Thank you for your email regarding our Far Side calendars. We always
appreciate feedback from readers! As you may know, Mr. Larson stopped creating cartoons for newspapers in 1994, although he did continue to allow them to be used in his fantastically funny calendars. Sadly, Mr. Larson has decided to no longer license calendars featuring The Far Side cartoons, thus his 2008 calendars will be his last."

Alas, this year I decided on a Peanuts calendar instead. I do hope Mr. Larson, who retired in 1999, changes his mind in years to come as, once again, his comics were a driving force in my keeping appointments and schedules organized. I wonder if I can write and complain, beg, plead, and bribe Mr. Larson to renew his licensing of The Far Side comics for use in calendars. If only just for me?

My step-mom

When I say my step-mom died, the first question I get is, "Were you close?" I am soooo very tired of that question. No, we could have been much closer. No, I didn't see her as often as I should have. Yes, I loved her, and I believe she loved me. Yes, I knew her a long time, longer than my own daughter. Yes, she and my dad have been together a long time. To those who have asked or thought those questions, I say let me grieve for one of the best people I have every known without judgment, without questioning its validity because I call her my step-mom. I would have called her mom, but I have a mom, she had her daughters, and calling her Morma (for mother Norma) seemed silly. She is Norma, my step-mom, and I did not love her any less because we weren't blood relatives.

At her service, I spoke to her character, her love of family and life, and how she wanted to take care of those she loves, even to her detriment at times. I told a story about visiting one day when, despite being dependent on a walker, she got up and started making her way to the kitchen asking what she could get me. I asked why, despite how hard it was for her to get around, she would keep doing that since I was able bodied and could certainly get my own soda or wine. She related to me how she loved taking care of "hers," her family, her friends, and how much pleasure she actually got out of doing things for them like cooking and playing hostess, even then when it was hard for her to get around. She explained that it was, in part, how she was raised, to take care of her family, but also insisted it was something she did out of love. Just a small way to show the people she cared about just how much she did care.

I also referred to how long my parents had been married, about 15 years total, but 6 of which were "legal." While they didn't get married until 2002, Norma and my dad lived together for several years before that, probably since 1992 or 1993. It seemed to me, they were always married in their hearts. I didn't talk about the "time before," when they dated when I was just a kid, and my dad was dating my mom too. Somehow, I just didn't think I could do the story justice on the fly. But here goes: about 30 years ago, my dad (who is officially my step-dad, but given that he raised me and has always been there as my dad I actually refer to him as my "real dad" and call what would to most be my real dad my biological dad) was dating both my mom (my real, biological mom) and my to-be-in-the-future-step-mom at the same time. I have no doubt dad and Norma loved each other then, but for whatever reasons, my dad married my mom instead. And my life became what it is. I've talked to my dad, and before her death, to my step-mom about how I wished, despite how it would have changed my life, they had gotten married then and therefore had 30 years together, rather than the 15 years they did have, the last 4 or 5 of which were fraught with medical problems on both their parts. They both gave me the same answer in different forms: They were together when they were supposed to be, this is how their lives were meant to play out.

I can't help thinking that Norma wasn't supposed to die of leukemia, not in 12 short days from the first hint of a diagnosis to the moment she died, or that my dad wasn't supposed to live without her. I'm working on that, getting past what I see as a great planetary unfairness. In all truth, given how hard it has been for my dad since her death, the endless paperwork, the grief, the shock, maybe it was meant for her to die first to spare her from that, from having to live alone. Given her medical problems, I'm not sure she would have been able to stay by herself, and without my dad, I don't know if she would have been able to sort everything out. Don't get me wrong, she has two wonderful daughters, and two stepdaughters that would have done anything to help her, but I can't see her wanting to live with any of us, or have us trespass on her home full-time, nor can I envision her wanting to live in a retirement home.

On the other hand, I don't think my dad likes living alone much either. And most days, just checking the mail is a chore. So much of what comes in the mail every day is addressed to her, it's hard for him to look at her name every day without feeling the pain of loss over and over again. My sister calls him daily, coming by if he doesn't answer the phone much to his dismay, and I also call as well as going over a couple of times a week to go through the mail, show him how to use online banking, and to help deal with the paperwork. For their part, my step-sisters call frequently, bring by the grandkids, and were of undefinable help planning her service and being supports while she was dying, and after.

A family is better than it's weaker member, we pull together and do what needs being done. If one of us isn't able, the unit doesn't fall apart, but rather someone else steps in and gets 'er done. I try to attribute that to the greatest lesson Norma could have taught us, but rather I see her greatest legacy as just being herself and loving everyone so unconditionally that it has taught us to do the same. Again, at her service, I talked about her love of family and friends, and mentioned that I had never heard her say a negative thing about anyone. Even now, six weeks after her death, I have yet to hear anything negative about her. Not that I'm looking mind you, but rather I take comfort that so many loved her so much.

If you also knew Norma, and would like to share your thoughts and feelings, please leave your message here for the family to read. Next year, on the anniversary of her death, all the messages left will be printed into a memorial book for my dad.

Norma, we love and miss you every day. I hope you are at peace and no longer in pain. Knowing you are already there, wherever that may be, brings me comfort and gives me another loved one to be grateful to see in the hereafter. Thank you for taking such good care of us in this life, and watching over us from the next one.